Cunabula Carmen
by Assilem
Summary: When life changes drastically. "In thy little heart asleep! When thy little heart doth wake, Then the dreadful night shall break."
1. Somnus , somnus , decor perspicuus

_What did you want me to say Kathy?_

The question had been ringing in Olivia's head for days, hours, minutes, seconds…Everything was shattered. Everything.

Her head dropped as the tears she had been holding in started to fall, it wasn't supposed to go this way, nothing was supposed to go this way. There wasn't supposed to be a fight, they weren't supposed to get back together, everything just seemed right. And then they did, and there was Eli, Olivia tried to put everything back into perspective, but that wasn't possible, she couldn't bear to be away from him. His touch, smell, taste, feel , his gaze as it traveled over her. There was nothing she could do to get away from him. And then there was Kurt, Elliot didn't like him, and made it perfectly clear whenever he felt the need to.

And then came the night that changed everything, shattered her world, his world, everyone's world. The feel of his teeth as it scraped over her skin was intoxicating, and she missed it. Oh did she miss it. There was nothing else in the world that could be compared to the feel of him moving over her body in such a way that drove her crazy.

There was no going back, and they both knew it, and weren't going to stop it. His fingers traced the curve of her breast as he whispered in her ear.

Nothing was going to be the same. Ever.

They royally fucked up everything.

_I'm not sorry_ _Liv, _Elliot whispered in her ear. Neither was she.

That is when the fighting started again. Fin and Munch just shook their head as they watched their friends tear each other to shreads. Then it happened.

_What is your problem!? She screamed_

_My problem! You're my problem! He yelled back, in the middle of the pen as officers moved out of the way._

_What did I ever to do you?_

_I can't love my wife because I love you!_

He said it, and she was scared. She remembered standing there before he hugged her tightly, as the tears started to fall. Her body shook as Fin and Munch kicked everyone out and told them the floor was off limits.

That is when everything shifted. What they were going to do was as screwed up as their relationship.

_Fuck_.

It all lead up to this moment, as she sat in her Doctor's office, exam room, in one of those stupid paper gowns that everyone hated, and she knew the answer the moment her OB walked in. She held up a hand preventing the confirmation.

"Healthy?"

"Yes," the doctor replied. "I need you to start taking good care of yourself Olivia, prenatal vitamins, sleeping, eating healthy."

The rest was a blur as she just nodded her head. What the fuck was she supposed to do, she was carrying her partner's baby-in both senses. They had promised Cragen that nothing would change, they were both too cocky and pin headed to change how they protected each other.

She needed to get to work, pulling on her clothes, she walked, because she couldn't take the silence of a car, there was too much to think about. What she was going to do? Telling him of course. Then there was how he was going to react, he already five kids, what if he didn't want a 6th. And the kids, she loved them with everything Maureen, Kathleen, Dickie and Elizabeth, and then Eli, her god-son. What would Kathy say?

Walking into the precinct, she looked around. She knew that in 6 months, she'd have to say goodbye to these people. To this place, her life was changing, and her hand moved to her belly. She had to tell Elliot.

Heading upstairs, she smiled as she entered the room and looked around. "Did we catch anything?"

"Nope," Elliot said looking up from his computer. "Cragen has all of us on desk duty. Apparently we don't fill out forms on time, or right anymore," he mumbled.

Olivia shook her head and sat down at her desk. Booting up her computer, and surveying her surroundings. Fin and Munch were arguing over what seemed to be Munch's inability to make a decent cup of coffee. There were a few others walking around and doing minor errands, and Cragen had his office closed.

She'd tell him.

After lunch.

Or dinner.

Or after the baby was born. That seemed like the plan.

"Liv, you okay?" he asked softly.

"I'm pregnant," she said out of the blue. _Fuck_. 3 pairs of eyes were on her.

_Fuckity fuck fuck_.

Everything was just fucked up.


	2. Somnium in joys of nox noctis

Dinner was quite, as Elliot sat in her apartment, staring at her, a beer in front of him not touched and the pizza she had remained picked at.

"How long?"

"Twelve weeks," she replied.

_Fuck_.

"When?"

"Today."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

What else was she supposed to say, or do, they weren't sure what they were, or how they were. All she knew was that fuck, she was pregnant, and fuck the father was her best friend. Her married fucking partner.

They were having a baby, and it was stupid, and _Fuck_ they were fucked.

Obviously someone upstairs had it in for her, because really, having her partner's baby was as fucked up as they come.

He was kinda married. Divorce hadn't come through, but that still meant he was married, but separated. That was fucked up.

"What are we going to do?" she asked softly looking at him with pleading eyes.

"I don't know," Elliot replied. "Did you…want?"

"Yes," Olivia said quickly. "I love this baby."

"Baby," Elliot said softly looking at her.

"I need to throw up!" she replied before dashing to the bathroom. Elliot looked at place around him, this was better than his place, Olivia had moved after returning from Oregon, and everything seemed different. She was different, and that was okay with him.

"Liv, you okay?"

"Yeah," she said softly coming out of the bathroom.

"We are going to have a baby," he said as Olivia nodded her head. She was still trying to get used to the idea herself.

There was a child growing inside her. Something she wanted, more than life itself, and she wasn't about to admit it, but despite having her partner's baby-yes she was going to say that until well, never- the baby was all she wanted. She was scared, oh was she scared. But somehow, the thought that there was a life that was going to depend on her, made everything better. At least for now.

His hand moved toward her belly as he placed it on her abdomen. Still smooth and flat, but they both knew that was going to change.

A lot of things were running through Elliot's mind, he was over forty, having a baby with a woman whom is his best friend, partner-in and out of crime-, the woman he could count on to be there and shoot tequila with and still drink him under the table. Now she was pregnant. She'd make a wonderful mother.

She never expected him to leave Kathy again, but it was Kathy who told him to leave, she couldn't do it anymore, the kids loved their father, and she wasn't going to keep in a marriage that wasn't working. Eli worked for a little bit, but both of them knew it wasn't meant to be.

Elliot had come to her the night Kathy said go, she let him sleep on her couch-and eventually her bed until he found a place, and then he still spent more time at her apartment than his. His was used as a meeting ground for the kids, they deserved a place to stay when with their dad. Even though all but Eli were almost grown completely.

And now there was a new one on the way.

What was she getting herself into?

What was he getting himself into?

_Fuck_.

-

"I have an appointment tomorrow," she said as the two sat in their regular place eating lunch above the squad room.

"Want me to take you?"

"If you want," she replied. They had not talked about logistics, they had to tell Kathy and the kids. She needed to tell Kathy. It was the right thing to do. After all, she was the one who fucked her husband after the separation, both times. It was the right thing to do.

The kids would probably hate her. Kathleen wasn't too fond, but that was just Kathleen, but how would they feel to having yet another sibling arrive, this time only half.

Kathy, she swore always thought they were having an affair, Elliot wouldn't do that, neither would she. She loved him too much to fuck it up.

Well, guess what, they fucked up together.

"I'll take ya," he replied with a smile as he stole the bacon off her plate. She never ate the bacon on her burger, yet would never order it without it. He also loved that about her.

"Okay," she nodded.

"Liv, you okay?"

"Yeah, fine," she said nodding her head, taking the tomato off his burger. Fair trade she thought.

"Look, we'll get through this," he said after a moment.

"What's there to get through El, I'm having a baby," she said a bit fast, and in a tone usually saved for anger.

"Okay, I know, I'm sorry," he said quickly, as Olivia nodded her head. This was going to be a long ass six-months.

_Fuck_.

"That's the head," Elliot smiled as he leaned over to show Olivia the monitor. "Look, it has a head."

"I just see swirls," she replied staring at the monitor.

"Believe me, it's the head," he grinned proudly.

"This isn't your first?" the nurse asked as Elliot almost laughed.

"I have five." As he said it, Olivia cringed, as his hand went to her shoulder.

"Oh, well, your husband is absolutely right," the nurse said.

"He's not my husband," Olivia said quickly. "He's my partner, we're detectives." Elliot's face became unreadable the moment it came out of her mouth. The hand on her shoulder gave a slight squeeze of comfort as he took a step back. She already missed the heat, and the warmth, and everything that Elliot made her feel.

_Stupid Elliot_.

After all, it was his fault that she was pregnant. Well it did take two to tango.

It was her ovaries fault. No doubting that. They were being overzealous and he felt so good and they just decided to screw her over. Obviously.

That being said, she looked at the screen and squinted her eyes, stupid ovaries and their being fertilised.

"And there is the hand," the nurse smiled as Olivia looked at the hand before looking at Elliot and back to the hand. Tears started to well up in her eyes.

Stupid hormones.

"Everything looks healthy, you're progressing quite nicely. Baby is about the size it should be. We can schedule you another ultrasound in about 5 weeks for gender, and progress."

"Okay," Olivia said as she starred at the monitor. This kid was real, not just the stupid double line on the stick she peed on, or the smile on the doctors face, or even the constant morning sickness that lasted all fucking day. It was a person, a little one growing inside her.

She was used to missing her period, but the one fucking month she didn't have time to go and get her vagina scraped so that she could get a refill on her ring got her knocked up. The pap smear seemed a bit more appealing, that or having the fucking IUD re-implanted. But no, that was painful, and the thought of having the metal cross up her uterus was also unappealing.

Okay so she wasn't too upset with the fact she was becoming a mom, she always knew she wanted to be, but that was just it, she figured she'd be married, not having her partners baby, when his divorce wasn't final. This entire thing was fucked up.

But there was her child, she watched it move, as she felt the flutter in her stomach, causing her to laugh as Elliot smiled brightly beside her.

He was the father after all, although in this crazy fucked up relationship, she knew he wanted to be, in some strange way.

She should tell Kathy.

She would wait for that. Because at the moment, her entire world revolved around the one little hand that she could see in front of her.

Okay, so maybe being pregnant with her fucking partner's baby wasn't so bad.


End file.
